I'm just too full of resentment...

Good Morning *Kanye West Voice*

I think the worst moment is the point where anger turns into resentment. It is at this time that you stop hating the action and begin harboring feelings towards the person. You try to convice yourself you're feeligns are in response to what was done to you but in actuality it's in response to how you relate to it. It's a blind emotion and has got to be the worst emotion.It's such an ugly emotion and so hard to get rid of but the worst part of all is you are the only one suffering. Whoever or whatever you are resenting are none the wiser to the emotional warfare going on inside you. When you resent someone, you are saying very forcefully, that the other person is the problem, the cause and the fault. Not you. You forcefully blame the other person so you don't have to look at yourself. If you looked at yourself, you would have to experience all the hurt from what happened. You would have to feel all the hurt of being not good enough, not worth loving or some other form of not okay. To avoid this hurt, you resent.

The first step in releasing a resentment is to be willing to feel this hurt. Look under the resentment and find the hurt. Find the feelings of being not good enough or not worth loving that you are avoiding. Then be willing to experience them. Cry if you can. Once you are willing to feel this hurt, you no longer need the resentment.

The next step is to notice that the person you resent has a very particular state of mind and a very particular way of seeing life. Notice that this person has a very limited awareness and acts totally consistent with his or her limited skills and ability. Now notice that if this person was wiser and more aware, then he or she would be able to act very differently, but the person isn't wiser and more aware. This person only has the limited awareness that he or she has. Notice that this person is doing the very best he or she can with his or her very limited ability. Notice how much this person suffers as a result of his or her limited equipment.

Now ask yourself, Are you willing to forgive this person for not being wiser and more aware? Are you willing to forgive this person for acting consistent with his or her limited ability? Are you willing for forgive this person for the damage that was caused? Remember that forgiveness is for you, not the other person. Forgiveness is a choice. Let go of your resentment and get on with your life.

If it were only that easy huh?

So this is what we're teaching our children?

I weep for the following generations. Can we all say a silent prayer? ............................................................AMEN.

Tee-Gee-Eye-Eff

Two days in a row?! Oh wow it must gon rain today. Let's move on with the preceedings shall we? I don't have a topic in mind so I'm going to go straight off the top. Can I kick it? Yes I can.

I really need to begin the application process for jobs in Bmore. My boyfriend would kill me if he knew that I have not applied to not a nare job down there. Imma fuck around and be unemployed. I'll make sure I put that on my to do list right under Osi Umenoyra. Damn did I say that aloud? Ignore that last part thanks. Hopefully finding a job shouldn't be too diffucult with my extensive experience and innate charm. Lmao! Yeah ok... I just hope my only option isn't at the local Up Against the Wall. Speaking of Up Against the Wall they have some cute shit.




*Shout out to Diana! She wore this dress last week and I loved it so umm you know I'm ordering it right? :D!

I might just put in an application for that employee discount. I'll take $7/hr for some cheap clothes. Who needs food anyway? Oodles of Noodles Ent.!

Oh and I've gotten lots of responses on my last blog. Thanks everyone for reading it means a lot to me it really does. You suck for not commenting though lol. I don't want to make this too long so I'll end it here. Gotta leave ya'll wanting more ya diiiig?!

Hmm...

It's been a minute so I thought I'd stop by and say hello...


Hello.


Lmao! But really I've had somethings on my mind. First up friendship it seems like as I grow older the shit is getting more complicated, shouldn't it be the other way around? I've been dealing with insincere friends, malicious friends, stupid friends, and just GIRLS I have outgrown and I have nothing in common with anymore. Am I wrong to move on with my life without them? I've confided in a few whose opinion I really trust and I have received mixed answers. Some said I should continue with those who are stupid and/or I've outgrown because it's not their fault (LOL wtf?). Taking care of myself is enough work I refuse to take care of grown ass indivduals also. When someone becomes more trouble then they are worth I feel like it's time to let go... for real. But it seems like they always come back with an apology and I always take them back. Ugh all this is making my head hurt. Fuck it!

Next order of business... DOWN LOW BROTHERS. Mannnn listen... I don't know what's going on with this shit. Is there a shortage of good pussy? I mean cause I know how to twerk it, I can start teaching classes at the local Community College if need be. In this "recession" I need an extra income anyway. I got my eye on a pair of Giuseppes and shit.... lemme know I can do one-on-one tutoring too (No Queen Latifah). This DL shit is sickening though.I respect a niggah who comes out and says "I love to suck dick!"... cause I'm always like "Shit me too you got any pointers for me?". But if you sitting in my face telling me how much you love coochi but in the back of your mind you're thinking about who's gonna be on top tonight you or Tyrone. The problem does not end there it is also contributing to the alarming HIV rate. These men shitcake their dicks with all kinds HIV infested bloodshit then they wash up and go home to their wife/fiance/girlfriend and fuck them rawdoggy and the women are none the wiser. And the girlfriend is probably boning Jason from Accounts Payable so now he's got it and he's married. It's becomign a vicious cycle that will make you want to give up on sex all together. Fortunately more women are becoming aware of the epidemic and are paying closer atention to their partners. This creates another problem. Women are accusing innocent men of being on the DL. Especially now that the Kanye West swag is in with the tight pants and shit.... everyone looks a little how you doing :P. But you heffas are gonna fucka round and miss ya man with all that generalizing lol. I plan to pick up Hiding in Hip Hop and will probably do a short review on it. I don't want to read it but I feel I have to, I will be taking everything with a grain of salt though.

My neck is fucking killing me and I know that has nothing to do with typing but Ic an't think straight lol. So I'll end this here.

XOXO.

Just wanna say...

Ashanti looks cute here.

That is all.

Missed me?!

NO I did not forget about my blog! Actually I'm working on upgrading my situation. I purchased a domain!! Yes my own little home in the WorldWideWeb. My blog will soon be moving to Eveology.net and I am so excited because I have wanted to buy that name for years but it was always owned by some random person in Africa. LOL! Now it's all mine and my concept is sickkk!! Ya'll know I like to get all philosophical and shit so this is my philosophy I call it Eveology. Open your books to page 1 boys and girls!

Okay enough of that. I'm actually blogging because something interesting happened to me today. An ex friend of mine reached out stating that she wants to reconcile our friendship. I have never been one for grudges but honestly I don't think I can forgive OR forget this one. A part of me is in a good place right now and would rather let the past stay right where it lies... in the past. On the other hand I really do want to finally turn the page on that chapter because it feels like I haven't finished reading it... like I stopped because the words got too hard to read or some shit. Now that a year has passed and I've learned a few new words and I'm a better reader I am able to return back to that chapter and finish reading. I don't know how it will end nor do really care atleast I completed it. SO basically I went with the latter and I agreed to meet her for dinner Wednesday. I'll let you know how that goes...

I know I didn't really talk about Cancun because there isn't much to talk about lol! It was a fun, relaxing, and eventful vacation with 2 of my closest friends. We all enjoyed ourselves and in the words of Baby "partied like rockstars." LOL let him tell it!

Now for the best news of them all..... you ready?? *DRUM ROLL* I finally decided to move to Maryland! Yaaaa trick yaaaa!! And I am so serious right now. *2 steppin* I can't wait! :) :) I didn't want to announce it because I don't want to jinx it but I think it's pretty set in stone at this point. I'm moving with Baby so atleast I won't be starting all alone. :0)

I have so much more to say but I want to save the good shit for Eveology.net. Hopefully it will be up and runing by next week *fingers crossed*. Theres so much new studd I have to learn. Last time I had a domain I was using straight HTML and Frames lol. That's not cutting it anymore. They using PHP/DIV/and all all kinds of fancy shit. Please excuse me while I step my game up.

God is on CP time.

I feel so I dunno... I'm like every emotion at one time. I'm happy, I'm annoyed, I'm upset, I'm excited, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I'm content, I'm ... wait is all of this even possible? It's like some shit out of the Twilight Zone lol. I just want to get AWAY from everything in NY. I am conviced this city is pure evil and it takes souls through a lifetime series of parties, relationships, business transactions, friendships etc. It's daunting really. It seems to take so much energy just to get through the day and to know that tomorrow you have to do it all again is frustrating. It's like you're fighting just to keep your head above water and life really shouldn't have to feel like that. I gotta get out ASAP.

I can't stand people who just wallow in self-pity. I have NEVER been the woe is me kind of person. I don't believe in helplessness. If something is wrong I fix it ASAP. If I'm knee deep in shit I don't look around and take inventory I start digging. When I'm out I can look back like DAMN I WAS IN SOME SHIT! Lol. Unfortunately everyone is not like that and it annoys me to no end. Like what the fuck is wrong with you? I think Jay-z sums up my sentiments in this line:
"Can't complain about what they ain't gon give ya that ain't gonna get you shit."
Word!! Fuck the bullshit I always get mine without the assistance of anyone.

......... okay I'm finished ranting. I just had to get that out!!

Don't you hate when blessings come at the wrong time? When things you prayed and prayed for appear when you no longer need/want them. A lot of people say God delivers blessings when HE believes you need them not when you want them but in my opinion his timetable is all jacked up. I am conviced God is on CP time. I mean it's cool with me but I'm just saying it's really annoying because it makes me have to face decisions that I really don't want to make. My life is never good vs bad. It's always GOOD VS. GREAT or BAD VS FUCKED UP. I'm always find myself faced with having to chose between the less of two evils or I'll have 2 great options and have to choose. One of those crossroad situations and they drive me out of my mind because if I chose the wrong path then I have to either find a short-cut to get to where I wanted to be or take the trip back to the crossroad and take the correct path. You see how Gods CP time really messes me up? Like I said it's cool though I guess that's what life is about. Being faced with decisions and trying to make the best choice based on your experience and what you want to achieve in life.

What are they putting in the milk?

Yeah yeah yeah I know it's been a while since I've blogged but honestly my ownly worries have been what color to paint my nails/toes (orange/french) and what color luggage should I buy (purple). Life has been pretty perfect for me as of late and I can pretty much chock that up to a new love interest. He's great and that's all I have to say about that!

But anyway I had some pretty unpure thoughts about a 13 year old on the train this morning. Now before you start passing judgement let me tell you homeboy was taller than me with a swag that'll make Diddy jealous. Lookin like a baby Adonis. Lawd have mercy! So on the really real WHAT ARE THEY PUTTING IN THE MILK? These lil niggas walkin round lookin like Lebron and the lil girls walkin round lookin like Melyssa Ford. I swear my 10 year old niece has the body of a 25 year old with NO kids. Somethin ain't right people! They got me feelin like Mary K. Latorneu out here. Checkin IDs before I get the number and shit. Pray for me ya'll...

This time next week I will be enroute to Cancun. Oh hell ya! I'm so ready! I don't think I lost anymore weight but I gives not a fuck anymore. I'm not tryna imperss anyone I'm good with mines. I'm just tryna sip my drank, ride a few jetskis, and get a lil bronzed. If I can achieve all that it will be great success (in my Borat voice) LOLOL.

Okkk back to online shopping. I'll holla!!!!!!!!

Heaven I need a hug.

Why is it still raining? Why am I hung over at 10 AM? Whyyy whyyy whyyyy? Lord help me...

I haven't blogged in a minute so I decided to stop by and say hello. I am no position to blog right now as I nurse this lovely hangover(at my desk).

How about a picture from Bmore?

Me and the roomie

Whyyy is my head so dayum big?!

While I was typing this blog the HR lady person called me into her office to inform me they were offering me my job. Lol I have been working with my mothers temp agency for about 6 months now they are asking me to come work for the hospital. I guess it's true things never come when you want it because at one point in time I would have killed for this job now I really DO NOT WANT IT. Ugh! Why you ask? Well for one I had it all set in my mind that I would only work weekends at Bellevue this summer and have a rockin good time lmao. Goodbye to that dream. Second I really wanted to move to Bmore in August. Once again goodbye to that dream. Lastly now that I thin about I really don't see myself staying here for THAT long. I did tell them during the interview that I planned on going to law school and I dont think there are any secretary attorneys so that would give me about 5 years here tops.... GRRRRR!!! Let me stop and just be happy for myself. Fuck!

Lol tell em why you mad son!

You shouldn't throw stones if you live in a glass house.

I refuse to discuss anyone but ME (and occasionally my BFF) in my blog because um... it's MY blog wtf? But it really kills me how someone can "careless" but dedicate enough time to write an entire anecdote. I guess I'm the only one who realizes "what you eat don't make me shit. I really and truly do not give a fuck about how anyone lives their life because I don't know their struggle and they don't know mine. Damn insecurity is a hell of a drug...

Anyway Baltimore tomorrow! Hope I have oodles of fun... I'll have stories/photos for you Monday!

Booty rockin everywhere.

I NEED A BOOTY.

Not to be confused with want, I need one. I'm thinking about starting the "Buy Eve Buns Foundation" so I can get my Brazilian Butt Lift. Please do not confuse the Brazilian Butt Lift with Booty Implants (which I affectionately call Blants). I don't want this:

Lol! But I could rock with something like this:

Before

After

That right there is a happy Brazialian Butt Lift patient. They took her booty do and made it to a booty don't. I'm not tryna look like Buffy, that big booty model scene is already saturated (I'm a pioneer not a follower sorry). I'm just tryna shake somethin *in my Cam'ron voice*

So if you have an extra $10,000 laying around and you want to give the gift that keeps on giving shout me a holla. Queensbeautyqueen@gmail.com All donations are accepted! Thank you and God Bless.

Reading is Fundamental

So I went on a shopping spree at Barnes & Noble online yesterday.
Here are my pick-ups:

A Piece of Cake
Cupcake Brown
I'm so excited to read this book, I've heard so many great reviews!!

A New Earth: Awakening to your Lifes Purpose
Eckhart Tolle
This is another one I can't wait to crack open. I heard it was life changing, we'll see :)

Think and Grown Rich: A Black Choice
Dennis Paul Kimbro & Napoleon Hill
I don't know about this book... I hope it good. Someone recommended it and it was only $6.00 so what the hell?

And because I just can't stay out of the Buy 2 get the 3rd Free Bargain Bin

How to Feel Fabulous Today!
Stephanie L. Tourles
Well... who doesn't want to feel fabulous today?! Lol

Parched
Heather King
Wow! This book was calling my name. Here's the blurb:

In this moving, emotionally charged, and unflinching look at alcoholism and its
effects, lawyer and prominent National Public Radio writer and commentator
Heather King describes her twenty-year-long descent into the depths of addiction
with wit and candor. King went from a highly functioning alcoholic who managed
to maintain her grip on reality to living in the lowest of dive bars, drinking
around the clock and barely sustaining an existence. With help from the most
unexpected source, King stopped her self-destructive spiral and changed her
world for the better. This is the poignant, painfully honest, and inspirational
true story of a woman who looked into the abyss, and was able to step back from
the edge and reclaim her life on her own terms.

Nice Girls Don't Get Rich: 75 Avoidable Mistakes Women Make with Money
Lois P. Frankel, PhD.
I love the title and I can totally relate >:)

Some books I wanted but I'll pick them up on the next go round or you can buy them for me :)

Who Moved My Cheese?
Spencer Johnson M.D
I'm pretty much the best at adapting to change, I have a great outlook but I'm tired of hearing about it so I'll probably see what it's about.





Hood
Noire
I haven't read any Urban Lit in a LONG time. I did enjoy G-Spot though so I will give this a chance. Noire is a pretty good writer.

48 Laws of Power
Robert Greene & Joost Elffers
Heard it's a must have, I pretty much know the highlights of the book because friends who have read it schooled me on the things they found most important. It won't hurt to check it out myself.



The Art of War
Sun Tzu
Same as above. It's pretty much a literary staple

Here are my favorite books of all time!

The Catcher in the Rye
J.D Salinger
OMG I've read this book atleast 5 times and I'm sure I'll read it another 5 before I die. It's just one of those books that grow with you. I also love it because I can totally relate to Holden and the fact that everyone takes his situation(s) serious but him. He's also hilarious. I recommend this book... 20 million stars!!


White Oleander
Janet Fitch
Oh man! I read this book in the 4th grade for a book report (and again in the 5th for another book report lol). It was definately not written for my age group and I actually read it wayyyy before the movie (which does the book NO justice) and wayyyy before it hit Oprahs book club. Something about the way Janet tells the story just pulls you in. It's probably her descriptive language because she never goes right out and says anything. She'll elude and leave teh rest to you imagination. I think that's why I didn't like the movie as much.


Down These Mean Streets
Piri Thomas
Classic! I love memoirs...


Native Son
Richard Wright
Originally I read it for school, found it years later and read it again! I don't think I grasped the concept the first time around but the second boy did it hit me. Great book!

That's all for now over @ Eve's Reading Rainbow lol. Get cha summer read on boys & girls!

"They tell me to try and make a livin. I tell em I'm a hustler and I rather make a killin"

It's 7:00 am on Saturday and I'm on my way to work a 12 hour shift. Dedication bitches! Dedicated to the $$$ that is. Surprisingly I'm not upset about it because how else would I be spending my weekend? Sleeping and eating because I'm a lazy bitch. I might as well use my idle time for profit. Over for them weekends!

I feel like I grew-up (a little) overnight. I'm no longer hype to go to the clubs (I haven't been and haven't wanted to go since my birthday). Renee definately hit the nail on the head when she said "once you turn 21 you leave that partying everynight shit for the birds especially since we been doing this way before we were 21." Word! Don't get me wrong I still love night-life and having a good time. I'm just broadening my horizons. New states, countries, etc. LMAO @ me tryna get Hollywood. Chillay chill! But word I'm good on the NYC club scene til they show me something I haven't seen and that's HARD cause I definately seen a lot smh.

I can't...

I will not laugh. There's so many better things I can go to hell for...

But I will say my nigga Eli got heart and some hot punchlines. E-z!!!

Ugh

I hate being questioned. You don't understand I really hate it. Because 99% of the time people have nothing to offer so why are you asking me anything? I can understand if I asked you for help then maybe you can question my situation but if I'm doing fine let me do me. We are not one and the same. What works for you most likely won't work for me so the way I choose to live my life you're probably not gonna agree with but that's okay. As long as I'm happy you should be happy. I am pretty damn happy, albeit lacking in some areas but overall I am happy with my life.

People fail to realize happiness is not a destination but a journey. I'm happy with where I'm going, I'm happy I am no longer where I've been, and I am happy where I am now. If you're living day to day just so you can become happy you will never ever be. You're gonna forever chase something that you can never catch and you'll waster your entire life doing so. I live for the moment because tomorrow isn't promised to anyone (R.I.P Daniel). If I want to take 10 vacations a year I do it. If I want to drop $800 on a purse I do it. If I want to party on Sunday and I have work on Monday... I'm gonna do it!

Don't get me wrong I believe in "saving for a rainy day", working hard to achieve a greater goal, etc but picture this. A girl dedicates her whole life to school and work never taking time out to smell the roses or enjoy life. The day before her graduation from Medical School she gets into a fatal car accident leaving $50,000 in the bank (because she never treated herself to anything) and a life unlived. Sad right? I know. So what it's extreme... it can happen!

I want everyone to check out my BFFs blog Truth behind the smile it's the truth!

Shout out to everyone reading and not commenting. I preciate ya'll but I would appreciate comments even more.. *hint hint*

TGIF!

I don't even know where to begin. There are just so many thoughts running through my head right now and my fingers really don't type that fast. I'll try to lay em all out right quick.

- Last night was one of the most akward and happiest nights of my life
- I am bored as shit
- I really want to move to Maryland (no. really.)
- I really don't want to work at NYP this weekend :(

- I hate my muffin-top :

- I need a perm... BAD.

- I want to move to Maryland (thought it beared repeating)

- Damn I missed him.

- Them psycho LSA hoes lol

The main thing on my mind is last night. I'm just so confused. I'm happy. I'm scared. I'm surprised. I'm upset. I'm everything. I just don't know what to think about the whole situation. Should I just take it for what it was and forget about it? Maybe. But am I capable of doing that? No. I guess I can damn sure try right? I realize if you are reading this you have no idea what I am talking about but that's okay. You're not supposed to.

Anyway... I think I am going to visit my friend Eddie in Baltimore 2 weeks from now. Eddie has been trying to get me down there forever so I thought I'd pay him a visit for Spring Break. I really shouldn't because technically that's Cancun money I could have but fuck it I need a pre-vacation. It's been a minute since I've gotten loose, if I wait until Cancun I might get banned from the country all together. I'm really excited about this trip not becuase I'm going to see Eddie and not because I'm going to get drunk in a new state (and I'm ALWAYS excited about that) but because I really want to get a feel for the city of B-more. I am seriously contemplating moving there and Eddie is selling me hard-body. $1000 for a 2 bedroom? Morgan State 5 mins away? $900 a year car insurance? I'll take it all thanks. There's a saying "If you're shopping for a happy ending and you can;t find it, buy a new beginning instead." Why the hell not? I'm 21, no kids, no boyfriend, no obligations. Shit you're lucky I don't move to Guam.

On to more serious issues... my muffin top (see photo above). It's pissing me off man. I worked my ass off for a good 3 weeks and I managed to go from a gut to a pooch:

I can deal with a pooch. It's just one deep breath from a flawless picture. But the muffin top? My only solace is Spanx and I really don't wan't to go that route. I refuse! I have decided to try the one meal a day and a apple diet (don't try Googling it, it was created by yours truely). I'll let you know how things progress. We're getting down to the wire and I'm trying to hit up Cancun in one of these:

I'm bored so I'm going to post 5 Confessions because well, who doesn't like confessions?

1. I hate men who wear hard-bottom shoes with jeans.

2. I use rubberbands in my hair.

3. I have tried coke (and HATED IT)

4. I have done alot of bad things... alot.

5. I am very shy.

Looking spiffy

I got this cute template to replace that bullshit I had before. I'm waiting on Tad to give me a copy of Photoshop so I can really get busy. Watch out now!

I don't exist.

I guess I should do an introduction or something. I'm not very good at those ... so I won't. You'll learn about me as you read my daily (weekly?...monthly?) rants. K? K!

So in Child Psychology yesterday we learned about Identities and somewhere in between texting J., talking to Tad on BBM and browsing Craigslist I realized I have no identity. Oh shit! I don't fucking exist. Let me explain:

There are 4 stages in developing an identity and they are:
1. Identity Diffusion - occurs when there is neither an identity crisis or commitment

2. Identity Foreclosure - when a person has made a commitment without attempting identity exploration.

3. Identity Moratorium - is the status of a person who is actively involved in exploring different identities, but has not made a commitment.

4. Identity Achievement - occurs when an individual has gone through an exploration of different identities and made a commitment to one.

I have not achieved one gotdamn Identity. Okay maybe my sexual preference identity but even that's iffy (let's not forget my secret crush on Snoop). Dammint I'm 21, aren't I supposed to know who I am already? It saddens me that I don't :(. I'm like an immigrant in my own life. I don't belong here!

Blah so I'm being melodramatic... I really am annoyed though. I think I'm going to do a monthly Identity Status Update just to see how things are moving along.

April 2008 Identity Status

Ethnic Identity

Achievement (as if I had a choice lol)

Sexual Identity

Achievement

Sexual Preference Identity

Achievement?

Relationship Identity

Moratorium

Education Idenity

Moratorium

Social Identity

Moratorium

Career Idenity

Moratorium

Ok moving right along... next order of business!

NYC and I have a love/hate relationship. Now I understand why women in abuseive relationships say "But I love him". I really do. NYC is dirty, expensive, overcrowded, and getting worse by the minute but I'm still here. Don't get me wrong I often fantasize about leaving this city but can I ever really move to Atlanta GA, Tulsa OK, Baltimore MD, Newport News VA, Houston TX, etc? I often find myself actually looking at apartment complexes and Craigslist job posting on the forementioned cities like I'm threatening NYC. "If you don't get your act together I'm leaving you! I mean it this time!". Yeah ok. Ain't happenin. :\

I think I'm going to do a little work (not a lot just enough to keep me off the unemployment line). I'll be back.. maybe.