God is on CP time.

I feel so I dunno... I'm like every emotion at one time. I'm happy, I'm annoyed, I'm upset, I'm excited, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I'm content, I'm ... wait is all of this even possible? It's like some shit out of the Twilight Zone lol. I just want to get AWAY from everything in NY. I am conviced this city is pure evil and it takes souls through a lifetime series of parties, relationships, business transactions, friendships etc. It's daunting really. It seems to take so much energy just to get through the day and to know that tomorrow you have to do it all again is frustrating. It's like you're fighting just to keep your head above water and life really shouldn't have to feel like that. I gotta get out ASAP.

I can't stand people who just wallow in self-pity. I have NEVER been the woe is me kind of person. I don't believe in helplessness. If something is wrong I fix it ASAP. If I'm knee deep in shit I don't look around and take inventory I start digging. When I'm out I can look back like DAMN I WAS IN SOME SHIT! Lol. Unfortunately everyone is not like that and it annoys me to no end. Like what the fuck is wrong with you? I think Jay-z sums up my sentiments in this line:
"Can't complain about what they ain't gon give ya that ain't gonna get you shit."
Word!! Fuck the bullshit I always get mine without the assistance of anyone.

......... okay I'm finished ranting. I just had to get that out!!

Don't you hate when blessings come at the wrong time? When things you prayed and prayed for appear when you no longer need/want them. A lot of people say God delivers blessings when HE believes you need them not when you want them but in my opinion his timetable is all jacked up. I am conviced God is on CP time. I mean it's cool with me but I'm just saying it's really annoying because it makes me have to face decisions that I really don't want to make. My life is never good vs bad. It's always GOOD VS. GREAT or BAD VS FUCKED UP. I'm always find myself faced with having to chose between the less of two evils or I'll have 2 great options and have to choose. One of those crossroad situations and they drive me out of my mind because if I chose the wrong path then I have to either find a short-cut to get to where I wanted to be or take the trip back to the crossroad and take the correct path. You see how Gods CP time really messes me up? Like I said it's cool though I guess that's what life is about. Being faced with decisions and trying to make the best choice based on your experience and what you want to achieve in life.

I don't exist.

I guess I should do an introduction or something. I'm not very good at those ... so I won't. You'll learn about me as you read my daily (weekly?...monthly?) rants. K? K!

So in Child Psychology yesterday we learned about Identities and somewhere in between texting J., talking to Tad on BBM and browsing Craigslist I realized I have no identity. Oh shit! I don't fucking exist. Let me explain:

There are 4 stages in developing an identity and they are:
1. Identity Diffusion - occurs when there is neither an identity crisis or commitment

2. Identity Foreclosure - when a person has made a commitment without attempting identity exploration.

3. Identity Moratorium - is the status of a person who is actively involved in exploring different identities, but has not made a commitment.

4. Identity Achievement - occurs when an individual has gone through an exploration of different identities and made a commitment to one.

I have not achieved one gotdamn Identity. Okay maybe my sexual preference identity but even that's iffy (let's not forget my secret crush on Snoop). Dammint I'm 21, aren't I supposed to know who I am already? It saddens me that I don't :(. I'm like an immigrant in my own life. I don't belong here!

Blah so I'm being melodramatic... I really am annoyed though. I think I'm going to do a monthly Identity Status Update just to see how things are moving along.

April 2008 Identity Status

Ethnic Identity

Achievement (as if I had a choice lol)

Sexual Identity

Achievement

Sexual Preference Identity

Achievement?

Relationship Identity

Moratorium

Education Idenity

Moratorium

Social Identity

Moratorium

Career Idenity

Moratorium

Ok moving right along... next order of business!

NYC and I have a love/hate relationship. Now I understand why women in abuseive relationships say "But I love him". I really do. NYC is dirty, expensive, overcrowded, and getting worse by the minute but I'm still here. Don't get me wrong I often fantasize about leaving this city but can I ever really move to Atlanta GA, Tulsa OK, Baltimore MD, Newport News VA, Houston TX, etc? I often find myself actually looking at apartment complexes and Craigslist job posting on the forementioned cities like I'm threatening NYC. "If you don't get your act together I'm leaving you! I mean it this time!". Yeah ok. Ain't happenin. :\

I think I'm going to do a little work (not a lot just enough to keep me off the unemployment line). I'll be back.. maybe.